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Anticipation (and fear) of Parenthood

Growing up, there were two goals that have always been on my list of things to do. They are goals I wanted to achieve, and roles I wanted to play in my life: wife and mother. It has taken some time and patience (lots and lots of that)–while finding the true me. And, I also needed to discover what I really want and need in a life partner.

So, now, I’ve met the one and agreed to become his wife. And, after living together for more than a year, I’m ever more reassured (and confident) with my decision. Truthfully, now, I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

While I am excited to become a wife and a mother (after marriage), all of my old worries and insecurities still sometimes arise. I remember completing one of those random surveys in college. It was that list of “random things about yourself that no one knows.” There, I shared my deepest fears–about becoming a mom, and thinking I would not be a “good mom.”
What followed was a lot of support from all my friends, who assured me that I’d be a great mom.

Did those assurances ease my fears? No.

Were they comforting? Yes, but only a little.

And, really, I know… I was once great with children. During all of the family events, I was always more than willing to entertain the younger children.


So, what’s the problem? Those entertaining experiences with young kids took place many years ago, when I was child myself. Now, I’m older, more mature, more selfish, more stubborn (if possible), and more disconnected from the needs/demands/behaviors of children.

How am I supposed to raise a beautiful child, prepare him or her for the world, and prepare the kid to be independent–when I continue to struggle with myself on a day to day basis? I suppose this is a challenge and worry many people have, but I do not want to screw my children up or want my children to be unhappy with life because I failed to be a good parent.

The prospect of becoming a parent is so much pressure. It is about taking care of you while taking care of a baby and helping that child learn life lessons, but also: how to be a human. I see many of my friends playing this role. Some are amazing parents; and others: not so much. I don’t want to be in that “not so much” category.

So, here I stand, excited because I will soon be taking on a new role in my life as wife. I also feel so nervous as I foresee the next role: mother. That chokes me up–just thinking about: Me, a mother.

About Erin Schmitz

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One comment

  1. You have to do your best and make sure that all of your parenting decisions are made with your children’s best interests in mind. The fact that you are worrying about being a great parent is a good sign because it shows that you care. It is surprising to me how many parents don’t care.

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