Growing up, there were two goals that have always been on my list of things to do. They are goals I wanted to achieve, and roles I wanted to play in my life: wife and mother. It has taken some time and patience (lots and lots of that)–while finding the true me. And, I also needed to discover what I really want and need in a life partner.
So, now, I’ve met the one and agreed to become his wife. And, after living together for more than a year, I’m ever more reassured (and confident) with my decision. Truthfully, now, I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
While I am excited to become a wife and a mother (after marriage), all of my old worries and insecurities still sometimes arise. I remember completing one of those random surveys in college. It was that list of “random things about yourself that no one knows.” There, I shared my deepest fears–about becoming a mom, and thinking I would not be a “good mom.”
What followed was a lot of support from all my friends, who assured me that I’d be a great mom.
Did those assurances ease my fears? No.
Were they comforting? Yes, but only a little.
And, really, I know… I was once great with children. During all of the family events, I was always more than willing to entertain the younger children.
So, what’s the problem? Those entertaining experiences with young kids took place many years ago, when I was child myself. Now, I’m older, more mature, more selfish, more stubborn (if possible), and more disconnected from the needs/demands/behaviors of children.
How am I supposed to raise a beautiful child, prepare him or her for the world, and prepare the kid to be independent–when I continue to struggle with myself on a day to day basis? I suppose this is a challenge and worry many people have, but I do not want to screw my children up or want my children to be unhappy with life because I failed to be a good parent.
The prospect of becoming a parent is so much pressure. It is about taking care of you while taking care of a baby and helping that child learn life lessons, but also: how to be a human. I see many of my friends playing this role. Some are amazing parents; and others: not so much. I don’t want to be in that “not so much” category.
So, here I stand, excited because I will soon be taking on a new role in my life as wife. I also feel so nervous as I foresee the next role: mother. That chokes me up–just thinking about: Me, a mother.